I didn’t want to let this memory slip away.
I expressed my financial concerns to Starbuck last night, after she hung up with her friend from college (her ex, the one whose wedding we’ll be attending in October).
She was so supportive and positive. She assured me that everything was going to be okay. She reminded me that her aunt still has to give her the money for her new car tires, and that, because of this sweet new job, she can afford to cover for my half of the rent for as long as I need to. No matter what, I will have time to recover from this awful medical bill, and she’s perfectly okay with picking up my slack. She also reminded me that we’re still much better off than we were when we first moved in together; together, we’ve got a bit of a safe financial cushion. Enough so that we have food and a place to live and utilities without worry. We’re going to be okay. It simply feels more stressful because of all the sudden expenses we’ve had to make.
That fact that she took the time to talk out my fears with me means everything, and it certainly speaks volumes about her and the type of relationship we have. She’s the most precious thing in my life, and, as she said when we first started dating, you’d have to launch me off a cliff to pull me away from her.
Nothing can top what I have with her.
Okay, so I’m terrible at being a real blogger
Things that have happened: school’s ended, I’ve aced all my classes, and maintained my 4.0 GPA. Went out to the city with Starbuck and had an awesome day—wrote about it in my other Tumblr. Neighbor’s leaky tub caused bathroom ceiling to collapse for the FOURTH or FIFTH TIME. Been watching lots and lots of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Two thumbs up!
On to the next thing….
We seem to have entered a bit of a rough patch, but at least it’s not in any way related to our relationship. Starbuck and I are still doing great, so don’t panic. Perhaps I should have specified that we’ve slipped into a financial rough patch.
First, Starbuck spilled an entire glass of water on the laptop. Frantically, desperately, trying to salvage whatever she could, she went out and bought ten pounds of rice and let the laptop chill in there for 24 hours. Miraculously, magically, the laptop turned on, and, after some nail-biting, worked fine. Then she immediately backed everything up on her external hard drive. Good news is the laptop works fine, two weeks later, even though the J key doesn’t work (I had to paste that J right there and that one, too) and there’s still rice in the keyboard. The bad news is that it’s time to get a new laptop, seeing as how this one’s life is uncertain, which means spending about 1400 big ones. Bleh.
Another big change is that my teeth have been troubling me AGAIN. So I decided that enough’s enough, I’m a motherfucking adult and it’s about time I take care of myself, so I made an appointment with the dentist. Long story short, my impacted wisdom tooth cause my 2nd molar to break thereby allowing bacteria to get inside and infect the area THEREBY causing extreme pain and swelling and a speech impediment. So a wisdom tooth extraction and root canal were in order, totaling almost $1900. KILL ME NOW. Luckily, Starbuck’s mother actually really cares about me and has offered to pitch in with the cost. D’awww :’)
HOWEVER, my surgery, just two days ago, was the complete opposite of fun. I was numbed up real nice with some local anesthesia, and I truly didn’t feel a thing, for which I was grateful. The worst part was the extraction. I’m not exactly sure when the root canal ended and when the extraction began, but I knew the dentist had moved on to the extraction when I felt him exert unbelievable god-like force upon my mouth/jaw as he tried to dig the bastard out of me; I seriously was expecting him to break my jaw. But anyway, it went well, overall. I’m glad I didn’t have to get any other teeth extracted. NEVER. AGAIN. The sad part is that I didn’t get to keep my tooth! SIGH.
I’ve taken two days of from work, I’ve got stitches in my mouth, I still have a speech impediment, I can’t chew, I’ve been taking meds, and I’m on a strictly liquid/soft food diet. I’ve lost about four pounds, and I feel lethargic and weak. Whoo-freakin-hoo. But I’m okay. Starbuck’s been nothing short of amazing. She’s positive and helpful and caring and I can’t even express how much I love this woman.
I am going back in two weeks to get the stitches out and to continue with the “root canal therapy.” Soon, I’ll be better. I just don’t want to think about having to pay for this procedure every month until December. GOD! I hate money.
Things to come: more Buffy, lots of work to make up missing days, more root canal, going with Starbuck for her next tattoo, Starbuck’s best friend’s family summer BBQ, and FINALLY GETTING TO EAT CRUNCHY THINGS WITHOUT WANTING TO DIE.
I HATE YOU, TECHNOLOGY
Here’s a summary of last Sunday’s trip to the city with Starbuck (since I don’t feel like retyping everything that Tumblr erased).
—Missed train by two minutes b/c I’m a loser who looked at the wrong arrival time.
—Waited until the next train, TWO HOURS later.
—Missed our transfer train into the city because we didn’t know where Track 2 was located in the station.
—Waited another HOUR.
—Got to the city. Took the C up to 86th. Walked 86th street transverse, complete with not one but TWO rape bridges/tunnels.
—Stayed at the Met for a couple of hours. Got my assignment stuff done. Starbuck approved. Mission accomplished.
—Left, and went back down to Penn, where we got some Moe’s. Exceeded expectations.
—Train back home was DELAYED. The fuck!
—Once back home, laundry.
—In bed, lots of cuddles and memories. Then it’s none of your business. It was a good end to a shitty day.
More Things I’d Like To Do w/ Starbuck
- Fence together
- Go to the beach
- Go to Medieval Times
- Go horseback riding
- Go white-water rafting
- GO TO THE KENTUCKY DERBY AND DRINK MINT JULEPS
- Acquire nice apartment w/ laundry & dishwasher :}
- MINI GOLF
- Visit where she went to college
- Fly kites
Sex, Drugs, and Rock n’ Roll
Haircut went well. Feeling brand-spankin’-new! It’s amazing how something as stupid as a haircut can change your outlook on life.
Anyway. SUMMER IS JUST AROUND THE FUCKING CORNER. Which makes me want to grab life by the horns and not waste any time acting my age. This means that I want to do lots and lots (and THIS means that there will be PLENTY of lists coming up, so stay tuned, folks!) of shit like go to amusement parks, get my septum pierced, get totally trashed (in a responsible way…?), try some drugs, have a threesome (LOL, JK STARBUCK, I LOVE YOU). I’ve never wanted to do any of these things before until now, and you know what? I’m fucking young, bitches! Now’s the time!
I confessed to Starbuck last night that I feel like two people at once. One part hates the idea of drugs; she’s a total judgmental snob and wonders why anyone would do something like that. Other other part is STARVING for some new experiences. THAT part of me wants to try every drug under the sun (well, except for heroin and meth and crack—that shit’s scary, guys). And THAT part of me also feels some guilt because she wants to try pot, acid (or shrooms), ecstasy, and coke. Problem is, that when I found out Starbuck was doing coke at the beginning of our relationship, I firmly put my foot down and expressed high disapproval (see? I’m a snob), and she’s never used it since.
But NOW’s a different story.
I started asking her what it was like, I’m so goddamn curious. She said that she really liked it, and if it didn’t melt your brain like that one article said, she’d keep doing it. So OF COURSE that only made me want to do it more. (Actually, I had a dream where I was addicted to coke, and I was EATING PILES OF IT, like in Scarface. It was probably a result of watching that one episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia where Sweet Dee becomes a drug addict.)
In the end, we agreed that I cannot do coke if she cannot do coke, partially because it’s only fair, but also because IT MELTS YOUR BRAIN and she really doesn’t want me to be in danger. It’s sweet, really. Besides, I just remember that Starbuck’s ex-girlfriend is the one who first introduced Starbuck to coke, and it instantly makes it something with which I don’t want to associate myself. That drug’s tainted, if you will, by the bitterness of my girlfriend’s ex (who’s a cunt, from what I’ve heard). BESIDES besides, I could never live with myself if I ever did do coke, because that would be the same as supporting the horrible, horrible drug war that has claimed thousands upon thousands of my fellow Mexicans. So, there’s that.
Following the coke agreement, I asked Starbuck if she’d ever want to try ecstasy, and she said she’d have to learn more about it. The Wikipedia page lists the positive and negative effects, and honestly they sound very similar to the effects of coke. It starts out with super-awesome-euphoric-sexy-dance time, and then it plummets into “FUCK EVERYTHING I WANT TO DIE PASS ME THE RAZOR BLADE” time when it wears off. So you have to gauge the positives and negatives. Gotta decide if it’s worth it…
But for now, no hard drugs for me. Starbuck made me promise to stay drug-free until I have medical insurance. She’s really worried that something will go wrong, and that I’d rack up a huge medical bill that I’ll never be able to pay. She’s right, of course. She’s always so goddamned rational. Sigh. The good thing is that pot is allowed, and we both know people who smoke it, so getting it is no problem. I would want to start out with a relatively harmless substance first, anyway.
Let me just note that I’m very pleased with Starbuck’s reaction to all of this. She’s fully committed to maintaining an open dialogue between us. Instead of berating me or calling me a hypocrite or judging me about expressing these views, she’s understanding and just wants me to be safe. This girl, man. She’s truly amazing. It’s hard to even believe she’s real sometimes.
Phew! Moving on…
I want to go to more rock shows! I want to be part of a crowd and dance and connect to the music in a dark, crowded place. I wanna let loose, get rid of inhibitions. But I can’t do any of this without money. And I fuckin’ HATE my job. Ugh.
C’est la vie.
I Think I’m Depressed …Again
It’s weird because I’ve felt like this for the past few months, but this is the first time that I’ve actually admitted it. I admitted it last night when I was lying in bed with Starbuck. And then the tears came. Goddamnit. But she held me tight and told me everything is going to be okay. And that really helped.
I think the problem is that all of my friends are graduating this year, next month in fact. I’ve still got two more years ahead. I’ll be 24 by then. I’ll be 24, and finding a shitty job to pay the bills, and they will be two whole years ahead of me. Starbuck always says it’s never a good idea to compare yourself to others, but it’s really hard following through. She also says that I should be glad I’m not graduating right now because the economy sucks and nobody can find a job. She’s right. But besides that, I’m not at all where I thought I’d be at 22. I feel so young and so old at the same time.
Going to this shitty college doesn’t help, either. I commute, so it’s been really hard trying to make friends. I wish that I could have that awesome college dorming experience so many people seem to enjoy. Having roommates and chilling out on campus, going to events and parties, socializing, or even just staying up late and pulling pranks or whatever….I feel so alone on that campus. And it’s only a few square blocks. I’ve been there for two years and I still haven’t made one friend there. Everyone I know always talks about all the crazy shit they did with friends in college. And I just smile and laugh, but inside all I can think about is how much I want some of my own fun stories. It’s part of the reason why I said I enjoyed reading Id’s journal so much. It makes me feel like I experienced the things he experienced without ever having to experience them. (Let me say “Experience” one more time…)
All I ever do is go to school, go to my shitty part-time job, do homework, waste time on the internet, and do housework sometimes. What is my life? It’s awfully unsatisfying. My girlfriend is literally the best part of my life, and I honestly don’t know how that makes me feel. Why can’t the rest of my existence be more meaningful? I’m going to get my hair cut today, partially because it’s so thick and curly and summer’s coming, but also because I’m starving for change. Pathetic.
This pent-up sadness and frustration has me wanting to be part of a band, where I can make up songs about how depressed I am. And everyone will call me emo, but at least I’d be doing something and hopefully connecting with audiences. I’m so shy, though. It’s one of my worst qualities. Socially awkward. How do you make friends in the first place? I’m envious of Starbuck; she seems to have an endless supply of charm and charisma, super confident, super smooth. I don’t know how she does it. Why does she even like me? I am a wide-eyed rodent lurking in the bushes, ready to crawl up a tree or hide underground whenever anyone approaches. Oh, but I’m rambling. Back to the band thing. I love music. It’s really got this therapeutic quality to it. I told Starbuck I wanted to be in a band, but when I asked her if she’d be in one with me, she said that she’s too old to be in a band. She’s 30. I don’t often feel our age difference, but I felt it then.
I don’t know what else to talk about. My thoughts and feelings tend to get mixed up inside my head. But don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll be back to whine some more soon.
The Road Ahead a.k.a. My Best Friend is a Psycho
My best friend KT told me something enormously shocking last week. Long story short, on Thursday, she said that her previous uh…pregnancy scare had been a lie, and that her first time was with her current BF. Okay….interesting. Then she says that after graduation, she’s moving out of her parent’s house and moving to CANADA to live with said BF. Naturally, her very strict, protective family didn’t react positively to the news, and she sought my friendship for support. Which I gave her. I mean, it’s about fucking time to have some independence and go out and start living her life the way she wants to live it. We talked about video games, and I told her about Dragon Age: Origins, and Starbuck offered to let her borrow her PC version. Everything was fine.
That is until Friday.
Friday night I logged onto Facebook and the first thing I see in my newsfeed is, “KT is engaged to [BF].” My stomach sinks. Adrenaline starts pumping. I voice my disbelief to Starbuck, who was sitting next to me, and she reacts similarly. KT calls me after I asked her if it was true. Spoiler: It’s true. I don’t remember most of that conversation (have I already deemed it traumatizing and blocked it from my memory?), but I do recall the basics: She and her BF, oh no, I’m sorry FIANCE, are graduating this May, getting married in June, and moving away in July. And they’ve only known each other and been dating for 7 and 5 months respectively. They’re both 22.
HOW DOES SHE NOT SEE THAT THIS IS A HUGE MISTAKE???? It’s an astoundingly bad idea, and every single one of her friends is freaking out about it. It’s awfully sudden, rushed, and I doubt it’s been thought out seriously. I don’t understand why she thinks it’s a good idea or HOW she can possibly think that everything is going to be okay.
Starbuck showed me THIS ARTICLE from the New York Times (which actually was the reason why she and I discussed the co-dependency issue referenced in my last post). It talks about how it can be a bad idea to live together before marriage because it essentially leaves the people in the relationship without any means of leaving the relationship if things start to turn sour down the line. In short, the people become so invested in cultivating everything that a couple who lives together needs, that they eventually realize it’s not a good idea to break up. It would be too inconvenient.
Anyway, I’m really scared that something like this is going to happen to KT. She’s leaving her family, her friends, everyone that cares about her. She’s going to a different COUNTRY. She’s getting MARRIED, a.k.a. legally bound to someone whom she’s only known for 7 MONTHS. AND she won’t be going to graduate school because she cannot afford it. Instead she’s planning on getting a minimum wage job and saving up. That automatically is a bad idea because, let me tell you, man, I was a waitress and I did not at all make enough to save up for college and still pay rent and shit, so I don’t know why she thinks it’s going to work out. Furthermore, I mean, of COURSE she’s going to end up depending on [FIANCE] for everything. They’re going to be together in another country, which will make it easier for him to tighten his control around her, and people CHANGE. Starbuck and I were talking about how we’re not the same people we were when we first started dating a little over two years ago, but it worked out because those were positive changes, and we worked through the obstacles (i.e. NO MONEY). I’ve met [FIANCE], and he seems like a genuinely nice kid, but everyone seems nice at the beginning of a relationship. PEOPLE CHANGE. He could end up being a total controlling, manipulative psycho and put a baby inside her, and then have control over her life forever!
And honestly, what kind of person is he? What does it say about him that he’s okay with moving to another country with KT, taking her away from everyone she loves, and getting married to her even though her family disapproves? What does it say about him that he’s okay with her getting a minimum wage job and not go to school just to be with him? How can he let that happen? I bring this up because Starbuck and I have discussed getting married one day, but she said that she wants to wait until I am out of school, until we both have a stable income, and I agree. That’s the smart way to do it. It would be different if they got engaged but put off the wedding until they were both financially independent. I don’t think what they’re doing is healthy.
Sigh. This has been one of the only things I’ve been able to think about for the past four days, and it’s exhausting. I talked to KT on Saturday, and she’s absolutely not changing her mind. She says that it makes sense to her because she doesn’t see why she has to post-pone her happiness. Why her “happiness” has to involve her getting married, I don’t know. I think that, in her mind, this is just the easiest way for her to finally get away from her family and start living her own life. I just hope she knows what she’s getting herself into.
And Starbuck also said that KT can’t borrow her copy of DA:O. KT’s going to motherfucking Canada; Starbuck will never get that game back. So, are you listening, KT? You’re gonna have to buy it off my girlfriend if you want to play it. That’s what you get for moving to Canada.
I feel like going up to her as her Sassy Gay Friend and saying, “LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES.” But I know it’ll fall on deaf ears. I can’t believe this is happening.
At least Starbuck and I will have a place to crash in Canada.
I doubt anyone reads this, but I’m okay.
I just realized that I’m a total pussy, and all of those sad, pathetic posts about missing Starbuck while she was gone are embarrassing. I don’t want to become dependent on one person. I relish autonomy. I don’t want to be tied down or held back by anyone, regardless of how much I love them. Two people can totally maintain a successful relationship without falling into co-dependency. And since Starbuck said that it’s exactly the kind of thing she DOESN’T want from our relationship, I better learn to get a grip and stand acting like an adult.
I’m not implying that we had a fight about it or anything. Not at all. That was just me bullying me about my wimpy-ness (<—new word).
She came back from PAX East with some new friends made and tons of swag. She got me an awesome Castle Crashers t-shirt, and while Id didn’t win the Omegathon, they had a good time. Everything’s cool, honey bunny.
I am diagnosing myself with a very severe case of FOMO. Fear of Missing Out.
My phone’s being a giant piece of shit. Says I have “no service.” Texts won’t go through. My girlfriend is hundreds of miles away, and all I want to do is know I have contact with her, and now THIS!? Why now?
I’m approaching the lowest of the low. Least there’s no tears tonight. Yet.